Sunday, January 11, 2015
Things happened. Even after a year.
I thought things would tone down in 2015.
But no.
Conflicts still exists.
Relationship problems still there.
I asked him to let go of me today.
Sucks to say that, it makes me feel miserable.
For the whole day, I literally sat down & stoned.
I lost my appetite for the first time.
Eating plain food like those people who are sick are eating.
I feel as if I am the worst person on the Earth.
I hurt people.
I don't know.
It seriously sucks to live like this.
Its not happy to do this decision. Not happy at ALL.
It feels terrible to the point where, I have no mood for everything.
I wanted him to change things badly. But due to some reasons & since my feelings are fading continuously, I feel that its the best that we stay as friends.
It's hurting to me.
But what can I do?
I know he can earn my feelings back.
I know it very well that he could.
But for now, I really just want a pure friendship with him.
Without any talking of romance.
Just friends where we had started with.
With no holding of hands, no hugging, no nothing.
Just friends where we can talk for hours, knowing each other better.
No flirting with each other. But just talks of things that we didn't discover before.
I said to him that, I believe that, if its meant to be, it will be.
What it means was that, if we were meant to be a couple, even if we let go now,
at the end, we will still belong to each other in some point of our life in the future.
I think a lot nowadays.
Too much that, I even wondered, will my brain get cancer from over-thinking?
Sometimes, I wondered.
Is it really hard to just not care about anything & move on?
I guess it is.
Feelings I really had.
I kept it to myself except for letting my best friend, Amy knowing about it.
Showing care behind the person I really love.
But I didn't tell him about it.
Suppose to solve a conflict between him & my cousin, I messed it up by hiding from him.
There are so many things I have done wrongly.
Until, I think he doesn't deserve a girl like me anymore.
He deserve someone better, in fact.
I've done so many things that hurt him.
Silly & stupid things.
But he still love me for who I am.
Even though I didn't show it, but I really do appreciate it a lot, from the bottom of my heart.
I showed off to my friends by saying those sweet things that you do.
I did it because I want to show you off.
As much as you said I didn't care, I do care a lot though I didn't show it.
I know you are sensitive.
That's why it's hard to approach you sometimes, when I had problems.
Especially those problems that has you in it.
I know today has been a tough day for you.
I disappoint you so many times, that saying sorry doesn't make up for anything.
I just want you to know that I will still be here for you if you need me.
Though I may have been distancing myself, it doesn't mean that you aren't on my mind.
I screwed things up today.
I thanked you for not blaming me, even though I would rather you to do so.
Now, I don't know what to say to make it seem appropriate.
I hope you understand a bit of my mindset now after reading this post.
PS: Please do not show other people okay. I only show you this.
And, don't reply to what I said here. I just want you to read and understand this. And don't ask me what reasons also. Just read and understand.
Blogged @ 9:06 PM |
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